Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
