theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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