I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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