I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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