Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
