Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
