yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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