if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i think my cat just said my name.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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