I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
