I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
