I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
There's always time for handjobs
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
