I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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