he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
