I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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