She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
