weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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