I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
