wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
