I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
