i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
