Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
