Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
