What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
