I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
