porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
