News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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