i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
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There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
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I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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