You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
