forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
