i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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