every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Randomize
