Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
