you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
