I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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