I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
