Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
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she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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