gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
