question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
