if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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