i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
