Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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