I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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