he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
