Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
