You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
