Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
