i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
