The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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