what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
