we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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