I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
