if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
