How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
