You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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