I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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