I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
